Asking Eric: After illness, social butterfly feels left out

Dear Eric I am a middle-aged woman who for majority of her life was the center of the social scene I entertained in my home organized outings and helped my friends out whenever I could A lot of this was not reciprocated but I was fine with it because I enjoyed it and deep down I inevitably suspected that if I did not make the fun the fun would not come to me I kept this up long after I felt like doing it but for the past couple of years illness has kept me from organizing and participating in pursuits I used to enjoy And I was right No one thinks to include me very often anymore I can t blame them I m ashamed to admit that I have dropped friends too when they could no longer keep up with me And I m mostly OK with not being included anyway I m good at entertaining myself Here s my predicament the people in the group I used to hang out with tend to discuss their plans for fun when I m right there in the room I try to leave when I can but it s not consistently attainable It is a sad reminder of how much of myself I ve lost and how several people I ve lost to my illness This is not their fault but I also think they re being inconsiderate I was taught not to discuss any events other people weren t included in in front of them Am I just being too thin-skinned If so what can I do to toughen myself up I am already in therapy to deal with my grief over my losses but it doesn t help on days I m feeling especially vulnerable Want to Be Included Dear Included Your skin is just fine As hard or perhaps awkward as it may initially feel to ask for what you need I d encourage you to do it Sometimes yes we can feel hurt in situations where we just need to change our perspective or as you wrote toughen up But at other times it s helpful to say to friends Hey my skin is a little thinner here Handle with care In your incident that might mean having one-on-one conversations with a inadequate friends wherein you acknowledge the avenues your threshold has changed and ask them to invite you to things they think you might enjoy The curse of the social butterfly is that people assume you can inevitably take flight without assistance And so they also assume if you re not joining in an activity it s because you re off doing something else or you don t want to This can be painful because it feels like being forgotten But I d encourage you to reframe it if you can It s healthy that you re working on accepting the strategies your life has changed but if your friends are still discussing their plans in front of you they can be nudged to think more creatively about those plans so that everyone can be involved Talking one-on-one as well as using concrete examples can help get your friends thinking in different tactics about how to show up for you Dear Eric My Mom is planning our Dad s th birthday party My adult children and their adult children are super excited Unfortunately I exposed out that my mom will not be inviting my grandchildren or my stepdaughters families I have been married to their father for more than years My mom explained it s just too much for our dad to have the extra daughters and their families She says we re family but I guess not I just don t know if I can attend knowing that All my kids can t come They will all be very hurt as they think of them as grandparents There s time for me to figure this out as I haven t declared anything to the other kids But I m so disappointed and have to really decide if I ll attend or not Split Family Related Articles Asking Eric Mother worries that her past traumas caused daughter s body image issues Asking Eric Grandparent is barred from even speaking son s name Asking Eric Wheelchair user gets no sympathy from caregiver Asking Eric Relatives leave gifts but don t come inside to visit Asking Eric New friend s cooking turns the stomach Dear Family This is unfair but I don t think you should let it prevent you from going to the party This is a once-in-a-lifetime celebration for your father and you d be sorry you missed it Plus your presence will be meaningful to him which is the preponderance pivotal thing You should however circle back with your mother to get more information about her decision Planning a party is a taxing affair for someone of any age so see if there are solutions that you can lighten her load or help her think through space or food or costs It s viable that she is thinking less about emotional bonds and more about logistics If she s set on it however you can also have your own little get together with your stepdaughters and their families and your dad Better to over-celebrate than under celebrate Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com