Asking Eric: After moving in, daughter’s boyfriend declared himself king of the household

Dear Eric My daughter has a live-in boyfriend who since he moved in thinks he is the king of the household He is very disrespectful to me her dad and her stepmom I tolerated the stuff he mentioned about her dad and I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a limited months But when it got so she almost lost her house I was very upset to say the least I announced he was like a tenant and needed to help her out which was the deal when he moved in He read my text to her and he became enraged He called me delusional argumentative a dictator and dramatic He also stated my grandkids didn t want to be around me I sent his texts to my daughter and I noted I need an apology from him I never got it and I commented I never want to be around him She advised me I should talk to him first I disclosed he declares that he loves you and he should apologize to me and should respect me Am I wrong Disrespected Mom Dear Mom You re not wrong at all This man seems like a nightmare It s also doable that he is emotionally abusing your daughter in addition to shirking his financial responsibilities By trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter and you and your grandkids he s doing something called isolation which is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse Talk seriously in person and privately with your daughter about the concerns you have Try to shift the focus from the apology you re owed Instead point out the unhealthy approaches that her boyfriend is behaving controlling behavior anger and lashing out isolating her and her kids and monitoring her communication These are all dangerous But there are information available to your daughter A strong family and friend endorsement system is key so keep in contact You can also refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline - -SAFE or TheHotline org Offer to let her use your phone if she s wary of him seeing who she s calling Even if she doesn t share your concerns encourage her to just have a conversation with someone else about it These behaviors may seem like personality quirks to her but they re not and they need to be addressed potentially by removing him from the home before they escalate Dear Eric I met a person with similar interests through her parents We had so much fun together in the beginning Because she is an academic she has no money She lives with her parents in a retirement society She is trying to get another educational opportunity that includes a small stipend and free room and board She refuses to get a job to help her situation Before I realized what was happening I paid for all the dinners and drinks I also paid for a group trip abroad for both of us While there she roomed with me but I barely saw her She missed tour days because she stayed out until a m and spent the next day in bed She bought things she requested for herself but never even paid for a cup of coffee for me I eventually woke up and saw how this friendship was going I have been overwhelmed with family deaths and my husband and I working on big projects around the house She texts me and wants to do things and states that she hates living with her parents I feel used and barely text back any longer I feel a little bad about blowing her off but I am tired of feeling taken advantage of Suggestions on how to deal with this situation I feel guilty but angry at the same time Do I continue avoiding her until she certainly leaves Related Articles Asking Eric Splitting the check creates rift between wife and son Asking Eric Aging parents anxiety causes a family rift Asking Eric Manager s affair causes chaos in the office Asking Eric Friend wants to end friendship without conflict Asking Eric Family pressures sister to ignore siblings crimes Reluctant Friend Dear Friend Avoidance is just going to prolong an uncomfortable situation Better to address this head-on and see if there s a path forward You two have different attitudes about money Hers comes across as immature if I m being my majority generous predatory if I m being less so But you ve offered her so much generosity already what s the harm in extending a little more for a moment She s not earning money right now and her room and board are paid for plus her new friend very graciously offered to cover drinks meals and trips It s perfectly reasonable to expect a person to feel and show gratitude for these things but I can also see how that could be a growing edge for her Friendships can help us mature especially when there s a little conflict So tell her why the friendship isn t working for you right now and see if she s capable of showing up for you in a different way Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com