Asking Eric: Grandmother wants invites to grown grandchildren’s birthday celebrations

Dear Eric My three daughters have grown children and celebrate their children s birthdays by each family going out to dinner with its immediate members When my grandchildren were small the families had at-home celebrations to which I was perpetually invited I miss those times especially since I am no longer invited to the out-to-dinners at which I would gladly pay for my meal Is it too much to ask to be included in celebrating my grandchildren Wants to Celebrate Dear Celebrate It s certainly not too much to ask Now forgive me for posing what might be a simplistic question but have you inquired if you can come along As your daughters shifted their families plans it may not have occurred to them that you d want to come especially with a restaurant dinner being less of an event than say a themed party at the house with a one-year-old smashing cake So if you haven t solicited about attending please do It may even seem like a non-event for them something you would be less inclined to join I d like to believe this is less a occurrence of your daughters trying to exclude you and more a event of them trying to manage everyone s wants If however you have inquired about it and gotten a non-answer or gotten rebuffed try to think of solutions that you can create a memory with your grandchildren around the time of their birthdays that will be meaningful to you and to them Maybe it s a day out doing something maybe it s a visit maybe it s something else that matches their individual personalities Celebrations are what we make of them they don t have to be limited to a certain day or a certain group When I was growing up our family had a red plate that was I believe sold by mail and had the words You are special this day printed on it For birthdays scholastic achievements and other random celebrations my parents would bring out that red plate for me or my siblings Majority of of the time we d just have regular dinner on it but to be the person eating off of the You are special this day plate felt so momentous and rare As an adult I still long for that thrill See if you can find something simple but momentous and rare to share with your adult grandkids Dear Eric We have a condo at the beach that has a pool There is a couple that we know through other people that we are not friendly with and they have a condo in another building without a pool Every summer the wife texts me for the code to my pool She uses the pool all summer long I ve been kind in sharing our code with her for several years now She reliably presents me with a gift card for the whole summer You can barely get two drinks for that these days They could very well afford to buy a condo with a pool but they chose not to Should I continue to give her the code to our pool I just feel if she knew that she exercised in a pool every day and didn t buy a condo with a pool that s on her Of syllabus our condo fees are higher as we have pool expenses What do you think Cracking the Code Dear Code I think she s getting away with an unheard-of bargain Fifty dollars for an entire summer from someone with whom she s not even friends She got very lucky when she met you Related Articles Asking Eric Boyfriend s daughters refuse to meet new girlfriend Asking Eric Husband s loud serenading taxes marriage Asking Eric Son s new girlfriend has a rude way of joking Asking Eric Father wants to play surprise matchmaker for son on the spectrum Asking Eric Friend s fast-moving new relationship raises alarm You have the power and the right to redefine the terms of this arrangement any time you want You don t have a pre-existing relationship and it sounds like beyond the text and the gift card you don t have much contact now So she has no right to expect this And I can t imagine that if your condo board got wind of this they d be pleased Check your condos by-laws this could be a bigger issue than you think I think you should pull the plug on the whole arrangement Blame the board or tell the truth Whatever you d like You re doing something nice for her but I don t quite understand why If there are masses pools in your area she can use them Or she can join a gym with a pool or a private club There are other options Or she can move into your building If you do decide to keep giving her the code raise the price to match the pool expenses lumped into your condo fees But frankly this might create more problems than it solves If she was a one-time guest it would be a different story but she s taking up summer residence which affects you and your neighbors Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com