Survivors face unique struggles after losing loved ones to suicide: ‘The pain gets softer’

During Thanksgiving dinner in just months after her long-term boyfriend died by suicide Amanda Killam broke down sobbing remembering how much he enjoyed the traditional feast and mourning that he wasn t there to share it This year she cried the night before Thanksgiving but was able to get a bit of enjoyment over dinner with family and friends Instead of overwhelmingly painful it was bittersweet sharing a good meal and company while still wishing her partner were by her side It doesn t get easier but it gets softer The pain gets softer stated Killam of Commerce City While grieving a loved one is hard regardless of how they died people who lost someone to suicide face unique challenges dealing not only with sadness but also with anger feelings of abandonment the sense of being blamed by others or guilt that they didn t know the deceased was suffering Professional help and assistance from people who ve been through the same thing can help work through those feelings and rebuild a life survivors noted Killam s partner Rob Nickels died by suicide at She knew about his history of fitness problems including a stroke in his s and two kidney transplants but he never talked about the extent of his mental suffering Nickels had texted about his intent to die while Killam was getting ready to fly home from Dallas She called and attempted to talk him down then notified friends and family in Denver to call after hearing sounds suggesting he d begun an attempt She also called businesses near their apartment in the hope someone could get there fast enough to intervene First responders attempted to resuscitate Nickels but he died shortly before Killam s plane landed in Denver In the aftermath functioning was nearly impossible Sometimes she d skip meals because the idea of choosing what to shop for and cook was overwhelming It was hard not to feel like a failure she reported Killam was skeptical of therapy in general but disclosed she started it shortly after Nickels death to work through the sadness guilt and feeling of abandonment from losing her partner It helped to have an outside perspective because her family and friends while supportive didn t know how to challenge her to change thought patterns that weren t helping her she declared Not everyone who is grieving necessities professional help but therapy can help if someone is struggling to manage the stressors of everyday life can t sleep or feels consistently isolated or empty commented Mandy Doria a licensed professional counselor who specializes in traumatic loss at the Stress Trauma Adversity Research and Cure Center on the University of Colorado s Anschutz Clinical Campus Any loss can be devastating but when someone dies by suicide the survivors may become hypervigilant for fear that they miss a sign that someone else they love is struggling she commented People can t go back to the way life was before a major loss so they have to think about what it would mean to rebuild Doria announced Often that involves doing something to remember and give meaning to the life the deceased led such as continuing to make their favorite recipe or volunteering for a cause they cared about she announced When you lose someone to suicide it can really shake your worldview and understanding of life she reported Resilience is believing that it s feasible to bounce back and committing yourself every day to doing that Angela Rouse of Thornton lost her oldest son to suicide when he was and facilitates a backing group for survivors called Heartbeat Her son left behind five children four of whom she and her husband are now raising They had to process their own grief while helping their grandchildren through the mental medical struggles that come from losing a parent early in life It was nonstop therapy for three years she announced Even seven years after the loss it still can come up in unexpected means such as when she saw a friend s daughter holding her sister s baby an experience her oldest son never got to have with his younger brother s children Her youngest grandson has been having a hard time coping with her newest breast cancer assessment because of the fear of losing another central figure in his life I m the only parent mom figure he s had she stated People who are grieving also experience the secondary losses of people they thought would be with them through the worst times who ultimately don t invariably come through Rouse stated And it can be hard to connect with people when your world is reeling but they seem essentially fine she revealed My circle got a lot smaller that s for sure she noted Amanda Killam and Rob Nickels Nickels died by suicide in at age and Killam struggled to make sense of the loss and move forward Photo courtesy of Amanda Killam Related Articles Record-high children killed in Colorado domestic violence incidents last year is a wake-up call I spent three months in jail because a prosecutor hid evidence of my fiancee s suicide Opinion Matthew Silverstone shot twice at Evergreen High School issued from hospital In Colorado incident Supreme Court skeptical about bans on conversion therapy for LGBTQ kids Assisted suicide was offered to my friend Jane Allen She had an eating disorder Opinion Certain people withdraw or don t talk about the person who died because they don t want to remind their grieving friend of their loss but they aren t going to be able to forget the loss regardless Killam explained People who are grieving need space to talk about their loved one she commented It s central to show up for your people because it s not just sadness it s confusion it s trauma she disclosed The ultimate reality is that we are going to be sad because we miss them but we still want to talk about them For the first year Killam mentioned she was in survival mode but she s gradually started to focus more on how she wants to honor Nickels life She scattered his ashes at places that meant something to him wears his Broncos shirt to football games and started a mental-health-themed line of workout clothes to encourage people to reach out if they need help He loved to exercise and would have sought to spare others the pain he felt she explained It just makes me feel like I m keeping him alive she declared Tips for supporting a grieving friend Offer concrete help such as preparing a meal or running errands People don t consistently know what they need if you give an open-ended offer Give the person space to talk about their loved ones Avoid platitudes such as that the deceased is in a better place or that it gets easier Try to be understanding if the person is distracted or cancels plans Consider the closeness of your relationship and what you can sustain before making commitments so the person doesn t feel abandoned Continue to check in even when months or years have passed Tips for handling your own grief Major people in your life may not grieve the same way Consider looking for others to talk with such as members of a advocacy group Decide which traditions you want to carry forward You don t have to do everything you used to but preparing a favorite recipe or making a memorial ornament could help you feel close to the person you lost Avoid the impulse to isolate yourself Take small actions to care for yourself such as sitting in the sun with your coffee Seek professional help if grief is interfering with your ability to function Sign up for our weekly newsletter to get vitality news sent straight to your inbox